My brain is completely empty.I literally have no idea what or why I'm writing.Random fragments of sentence wholly irrelevant to the next pass through my head like shards of glass.Ugh...I just had an image of someone embedding a glass shard into my brain.Now isn't that a pretty picture...
I glance around my room and see the asian influences everywhere.Normally I'd say something like, "I feel so alone here.I want to go over there and be with everything that I love."But sometimes, like right now, it all seems meaningless.I'm listening to Jrock...I think it's Tasogare Restaurant by Merry.Or maybe something else by them...it sounds like their style.Oh, here comes the chorus...I was right.Usually I adore this song, when the chorus comes it gives me that "up" feeling in my stomach.But right now, it seems dull.Even Miya-san appears fake to me at the moment...a wispy dream of a person miles away from me...
And yet I don't care.I'm always sulking about that fact, and pining after the dream.But not right now.For some reason I feel so completely blank...why?Why?This is so unlike me...
Lately I despise my parents.Today I didn't.Maybe it's because they didn't give me a reason to, like they normally do.But I dont know...today I feel funny.I feel alone.I know I have many friends, but they seem so surreal to me.I wish my sister was here right now and my mind would be on other things.
I'm tired.Physically and mentally. The more I stare at the floor, the more it moves...the more I don't want to return to the real world.But I do...at the same time.Because today, my world is blank.
I'm used to my fantasy world filled with everything I love...sleep, and Miya-kun.I need him.Maybe his voice will trigger that fantasy...maybe that beautiful, delicious voice will make me remember my fantasy...
...and I'll no longer feel blank.
For some reason I actually don't want to listen to PapaMama...even though I know that no other song can compare to the ecstasy I feel upon hearing his emotional voice in that one...so I'll listen to it anyway...and hopefully it'll give me that feeling in the pit of my stomach like it usually does.
I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song.
But even though I love it, I'm not feeling the elation like I usually do.I mean, yeah I get that feeling like everything just stops...but the love for meev hasn't returned.I'm still feeling like he's some far-off non-existant thing.
After all, he is only a man despite my normal elevation of him to rank of God.
Fuck, what am I talking about, I love the guy.
I love the fact that he's only a person, and even though I don't know the real him one teensy bit, I know all about Miyavi, the thing he sells.And it's my drug...I'm so addicted.Nothing nothing nothing compares.When everything else is gone I can still listen to him and smile...and think of my future...one day I'll go to a concert...
Oh shit...I just lost the optimism.Just like that, the stupid voice in my head laughed at me, telling me I may never even get to College...or Japan...or a MYV concert.And once again that great feeling from only moments before has vanished.
Rescue me...rescue me.
It must sound silly to other people that I'm saying all this about some rockstar.Well, they need to understand it's not him literally...I mean...not specifically...not even his music or the feeling it gives me...it's just...everything he represents.Everytwhere I want to go and everything I want to be...I've subconciously made him the embodiment.
Yet here's that voice again.Telling me that I still don't really know where I want to go.Why?WHY?What's the point of anything that I'm doing?How should I know what to do with my life when I still don't understand anything about it...what's the point?What's the point?
No...no...I'm calm.The last thing I need is another anxiety attack.
What's this song?I remember a different version with the same lyrics...who sings it?Plastic Tree? hmmm...fuck, there it goes.That feeling of pointlessness has returned.Does it really matter if I know the names of all the songs?All the bands?It seems like so much of my life is wasted researching and downloading...hah.There's that voice again, reminding me that I wouldn't be doing anything else more meaningful otherwise.
I'm so useless.What am I doing here?Yesterday I would've told you that I can't wait to get the fuck out of this house and leave everything and everyone behind.And now, I'm feeling opposite...I don't want to go out...I don't want to meet people...who cares if I never see the temples of Kyoto?Who cares if I never go see a kabuki play?Who cares if I never learn all the things I want to learn...it's all crap.
I don't want to see anyone.
I feel so empty right now.
What the hell?
I hate it when I act like a stupid teenager.Uggghhh...I can't think properly.
Everyone's asleep...I'm really tired...and here I am writing this.My confession about how pointless my life is.No, life in general.
Where'd that optimisim go?That "make the best of things" philosophy?Gahd, I'm such a hypocrite sometimes.
I know all this feeling will be gone in the morning...I'll go online and download music.I probably won't talk to anyone...I'll just dream about all the things I'm going to do in the future.Which reminds me, I need to finish summer reading.
Yes, school...just focus on what lies immediately ahead and those feelings will go away.
Fuck, I hope they go away.
Anxiety in the summer? Actually no...it's not even anxiety...I'm really very calm right now...I feel...void.
Maybe school will bring back a feeling of purpose?Doubtful...
Shit...I just remembered pre-season training starts tomorrow...I hope it's not hot out.Damn...damn damn damn I don't really want to see all those people.But at the same time I'm excited to go and practice...I hope I'll be in a good mood so I can give it my all.
All these things are coming sooner than I'd anticipated.
I'd like to stop writing now...but I can't think of anything else to do...I wonder if I could possibly fall asleep early today...I am tired, but somehow I doubt it...
Whatever...I'm done writing...I'm not even gonna go back and read it. | 
